by Katherine SantanaI am a Daughter: I am a daughter of two loving parents who have risked everything to give me the life that I have today. I spend the majority of my time repaying their kindness by furthering my education, cooking, cleaning and running errands to show appreciation for the things they have done for me.
I am a Sister: I am a sister who is overprotective of the youngest and lax with the oldest. Having three sisters and one brother, I share a deep respect for each and every one of them. I would do anything for their happiness. I am an Introvert: Silent and withdrawn, I enjoy spending time alone, formulating my thoughts and drowning in my imagination. Too many hours around people and I find myself exhausted, but I keep pushing forward. Many people tell me that being introverted is horrible, but I feel the opposite. I am Shy: Fearful and anxious, I find myself terrified of people and not knowing what to do. Meeting new people horrifies me, I become timid and nervous around the company of others. Sometimes, it will become so bad, that I would just nod and smile without saying a word. I am Awkward: I get embarrassed easily, have poor social skills and use aggression to express my affection. This also connects with my shyness, anyone who is not my immediate family or a close friend, may feel that there is something wrong with me. I am Driven: Despite my fears and worries, I push forward in life. Nothing will be done if I sit around hoping for something to happen. I take the things that scare me or cause me anxiety and use it as a way to conquer my fears and become the person that everyone has yet to see. I am Bold: I am not afraid to say what’s on my mind if deemed necessary. Many people tell me I’m terrible but I find it as a form of honesty. I love making statements with my makeup and clothes. I make silent statements. I am an Anime Fanatic: When I am not studying, working or doing chores, I am watching anime in my living room with a plate of food and headphones on. Anime for me is a time where I can relax, and enjoy my time. It is the time when I can escape for even just a moment from the world around me. I am In Love with Food: Maybe it is because of my culture, but the connection I have with food runs so deep that nobody will be able to break it. Food for me, is connecting with my culture, connecting with my friends and family as well as an escape. For me, food is a luxury and a time where I can relax. I cannot have food before showering or before getting my work done, or else the idea of food as a luxury has no meaning. I am Imperfect: There is nothing about me that is perfect. I am a walking ball of imperfections, I am full of flaws that transmits its own beauty. Imperfection is beauty! I am Easily Broken: While most of the times I am seen as someone with a strong personality and strong willed. I am very easily shattered. I constantly show up as someone strong and unemotional, so when a sad or enraging moment occurs, I snap in a second. I am a Human Being: Like everyone else, I have dreams and aspirations. I make mistakes, confront them and move forward. I have good days and bad days. I have memories that I try to suppress and future goals that keep me in a loop. I am trying to figure my life out like everyone else. I am Me… and that won’t change.
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by Ummer AliWhen I was 6, I met Sheikh Muhammad Sharif.
He helped me learn kindness. When I was 10, I wrote my first short story. That began my love for writing. When I was 12, I got my first in school suspension. I learned to watch what I say. When I was 13, I had my first heartbreak. It taught me that you can’t always have what you want. When I was 15, I wrote my first good short story. It showed me that I actually had the talent for writing. When I was 16, I had been to 7 funerals. Each one took a part of me with it. When I was 16, I met Mr. Kanakis. He showed me that you could be a good person, even if you’re surrounded by bad things. When I was 16, I watched my best friend kill himself. It broke me. When I was 17, I graduated high school. Fuck everyone who said I wouldn’t. When I was 20, I had my first real heartbreak. It showed me to never trust anyone with my secrets. When I was 21, I graduated college in 4 years. Fuck everyone who said I couldn’t. When I was 22, my dad became my best friend. Love you pops, I wouldn’t be where I am right now without you. And Now I’m 23. 3 heartbreaks, 9 suspensions, 4 graduations, 14 funerals, 1 loving family, 1 fractured mind, countless hours of self-doubt, and I have no idea what I am. All I know is that I am everything I’ve written in this piece and so much more. The only thing I know how to do is fight; fight for happiness, for love, for knowledge, for my family. So I guess I’m a fighter. by Leslie RomanI bet when you were reading the title you thought I was about to start off talking about a breakup between a boy and a girl, girl and girl, or boy and boy. I will, but not at this very moment. What I want to shine light on is the way pain cannot be described in words—even though I will try my best to, and how it affects the person who held onto or still holds onto such pain, aka heartache. Heartache does not necessarily have to be associated with losing something, but gaining. The moment one begins to experience this is when you know you had to or need to lose whatever does not play out well in your life to move on to greater things. But, it is normal to have a set-back but to remember that you are totally over it. Each individual handles and deals with Heartache differently. I will give an encounter with someone whom I know. She was the youngest in her family, with four brothers. She did not grow up in the United States but in a different country. Her father was an alcoholic, and the mother owned a restaurant where she herself had to wake up early and cook for the customers. We will call her Courage. Courage as a young female helped her Mother with this restaurant, and you would think that because she had older brothers they will help too, but they did not. They instead preferred to live their life, go to bars, and find money whenever they can and use it to their own benefits. If it wasn’t for Courage, she would have grown up illiterate. She told her neighbor she wanted to go to school and with the help of them; she was able to go to elementary school, high school, and at least some college. Right about now you are thinking, why did the mother not put her daughter in school? Did the Father try to help ends meet? Did her brothers not do anything to help their one and only sister? These are the same questions that have been running through my mind, but that is a lot of burden to put on a thirteen year old adolescent. The moral of the story is not to go into detail on how her life was, but how she expressed herself as she expressed it to me. As the words rolled off her tongue, her eyes would look at different directions to avoid eye contact; I guess she was afraid of breaking down at any moment if she saw my face. Her tone of voice was soft, and relaxed. Suddenly, Courage began to tell me, “You are lucky to have what you have now. When I was growing up I did not have a Mother to give me love, or parents that thought it was a good idea to put me in school. I had to open my mouth to say that I wanted to study. Better yet, I did not even have toys. At this point, I began to feel her heartache. She was like a child in that moment once again, hoping that she could go back in time and change the way she grew up. “I remember waiting on line on where people gave out toys and someone giving me a Barbie doll”. As she told me this, her voice broke up and she began to cry as she struggled to finish. Courage had the courage to speak on what had hurt because she no longer has that life. But besides the heartache that one can remember from the past, there is the heartache that one feels when there is no support from the people who are the most closest to you. Parents or guardian have to know that there would be a time that a daughter or son has to explore the world trusting and believing that they know right from wrong. But, even though one may stumble along the way, it was a mistake. Parents want their children to look for opportunities in life but they have to let them go and be proactive. They can’t be like, “Oh look for a job”, and when you are looking for a job, they want to be protective and say, “Don’t be working too late”, or “The pay is low”. At least it is something. Parents are no longer the issue here, but the issue is it hurts when someone does not believe in your ability to go after your dream. We begin to think what if and now that dream is a long-forgotten memory. I do not know what your definition of heartache is, but everything I have said up to this point is mine. If there is a moment that you are about to experience Heartache, think if it’s really worth it? Would you prefer to hold on or let go? Would this be a good thing or bad thing? Take the chance or don’t take the chance? To be or not to be? by Erick GarciaImagine you and your friends are talking about what you all plan to do with your lives after you all have graduated from college. You all start talking about what kinds of careers you all want to have. One friend may say he or she wants to be a doctor, the other a police officer, and so on. Then it’s your turn to say what you want your future career to be, and you say you want to be a writer. All of a sudden the conversation comes to a screeching halt and everyone is looking at you in a way that makes you feel as if you did something wrong. Then the first thing you hear from one of your friends is “You won’t make any money doing that!” Maybe this is something you’ve heard before or is a variation of something you’ve heard before, or maybe this is your first time hearing this from someone. The question you’re probably asking yourself now is “Is that true, and if it is, how does it affect me and do I care?” The scenario you just read is something that I feel happens to a lot of young people when talking about their future careers, and this is a situation that is usually imposed on them by parents and by friends. If you’ve ever had this same conversation, depending on your career choice, the kinds of comments you might get from other people will be that “There’s no future in that” or “You’ll never make any money in that” and so on. In my opinion, people should have the freedom to decide on a career that makes them happy, even if it means going against the expectations of friends and family and even of society as a whole. But I can also admit that it does feel ugly when even those who are closest to you don't want to support your decisions or have little to no faith that you can be successful in a field that they consider to be pedestrian. Although I think it’s kind of funny that the careers that they consider pedestrian, such as writing, acting, playing music, and so on are the very same careers that produce that which they find so entertaining and are more than willing to spend their money on! In my experience, I have been lucky enough to have parents who want me to do what makes me happy. However, the best advice I have gotten is that if I’m going to do something that makes me happy but that isn’t so financially secure, it’s always a good idea to have a backup plan. Personally speaking, my dream is to be a musician, but because I know that the landscape of music business has dramatically changed over time, I know that I’m not going to be the next Paul McCartney overnight anytime soon. This is where the backup plan comes in. I’m currently pursuing a master’s degree in forensic psychology in college. I picked this as a backup plan not only because I know that it could provide me with financial stability in the future, but also because it’s also something that I truly love and could actually see myself doing in the event that my first choice doesn’t work out. It’s something I’m truly interested in and it’s something that is just as big a part of my life as music. Now I’d like to offer this same advice that my parents gave me to anyone reading this article. If you’ve decided on a career that makes you happy but isn’t so financially secure, have a backup plan, but make sure it’s a backup plan that you’re happy with, not just a backup plan that you feel you’re obligated to have. While some people do have a backup plan, they might settle for something that is expected of them by family and friends or something that may provide financial stability but not satisfaction. This is why I stress that a backup career must be something that makes you happy and not simply your safety net. Another piece of advice I’d like to offer is just as important as the first, and that is to stand your ground. Even if your friends and family don’t support you, even if others mock you for your career choices, even if no one believes you can make it and be successful, stand your ground. Be fearless, dare to defy expectations, but most of all, be yourself and pursue what makes you happy. Granted this is much easier said than done. Dayna, a good friend of mine, was talking to me about being a writer because it’s one of the many things she truly loves doing, but at the same time she showed some hesitation. I told her to go for it since it’s what she really wants, and in response, she told me something along the lines of “Would you rather make money or would you rather be happy?” My question would’ve been, “would you rather dare take the risk and know for sure whether it was worth it or not? Or would you rather take the safest route and prefer to live your life thinking about what could have been?” It always boils down to choices and the fact that only you have the power to decide. In a similar conversation, my fellow Zine writer and classmate Connor Gilligan told me he wants to be an archaeologist, but that a lot of his friends would rag on him because he wouldn’t make much money. He would tell me that even if that was true, he didn’t care because he’d be happy doing what he wanted to do, which is more important to him. He even went so far as to give me examples of famous people who lived a rags-to-riches career, such as J.K. Rowling and Chris Pratt. In his opinion, if they could achieve their dreams, why not him? And I absolutely agree. Never be afraid to pursue your dreams, even if everyone and everything is trying to convince you otherwise. However, not everything in life is a guaranteed success, so be prepared to struggle and be prepared to fail every now and then. But most importantly of all, have a backup plan that makes you happy. Work hard, enjoy yourself, and if you succeed, tell everyone who doubted you “I told you so!” by Leslie RomanAlice falls into the Abyss, the depths of a deep world she never knew about. She awakens to find that everything is abnormal: the clock, the walls, the people, the animals etc. Alice is not in College though. We are. Education is just one of the many obstacles we have to overcome to get a better future—but some agree with the idea that it is not necessary to go to College. To me, College hit so hard, it got me thinking about questions like; “What have I been doing with my life? Why didn’t I do better in high school? All the time I wasted I could have used to prep myself on what major I wanted or even where to go to college, to decide whether to go out-of-state or to commute. This is my experience on my journey to College starting from high school to present. I was the girl who got along with everyone, literally. I had no problems with any of my classmates. I was the type of person that never interfered with other people’s business, nor did I want to know their business—unless with my best friend, which is something completely different. I always passed my classes with high grades, but math and science were not my favorite subjects. In parent-teacher conferences, I was always getting great comments like; “She does all her work”, “She does not give any trouble” etc. I became the good student who focused on all the assignments she needed to do. But then everything changed when the fire nation attacked [Avatar Joke]. When I became a senior, I was excited to leave. I didn’t have to take anymore regents. I thought about all the sleep I would get. What I wasn’t doing was going in-depth on my research for College. It was not that I did not want to go College. I felt like I was not ready. My idea of College was, “This is the most important decision of your life. What are you going to do? Where are you going to go? Do you really want to leave your family and friends behind?” Various questions raced through my mind. I was not thinking clearly. On top of this, there was more a rush to apply to TAP, PELL, FAFSA, and supplements so I could go to the College I wanted. I was so unfocused I was not even looking for my prom dress, until I literally bought it on the day of. Anyway, I only had one college advisor, who only came in to help the senior class apply to colleges. Through my eyes, I saw as my friends constantly came into her office during lunch, afterschool, and mornings getting applications done—but I felt like I was not doing enough. I had completed my own paperwork, my own applications, yet I was caught up with the idea that the college I chose is the final place where I can take my college experience. Everyone, and I mean everyone, during that spring time began to get receive letters from different schools. I saw the smiles and the frowns from people’s faces whether they got in or not. Then there was me, the “good student”, who has not received any answer except one from the 10 different colleges I applied for. But what I guess you can say that what finally damaged my hopes of going to College was that my supplement forms never got completed due to a miscommunication of the advisor. I was able to get an appeal though, and I arrived to the John Jay College of Criminal Justice. Great I thought, another school for law after I just graduated a high school of Law and Government and Justice. Needless to say, I was a lazy-ass freshman. I thought I was going to get away without doing all my work, and participation? LIES! At this point, I was like “Why did I treat high school like it was so important?” I ended up having all C’s except one A for my freshman year of College. And I bore the consequences of it. With a GPA of less than 3.0 I could not apply for anything I would have wanted to do. I kicked ass though next semester but I realized something. Your life, who you want to be or what you want to do with it, lies in your own hands. I had a wake-up-call in my first ever Anthropology class. This is not to hype my professor or to make it seem like everyone should take him—unless you are ready for a challenge. He gave me an awakening about how life is, how college is, and made me think about what I want to do. I can get all my assignments done, and be on time, but he made the class engaging. Through his lessons and charisma, I will put it simply, “Time is of the essence”. Life is too short not to see what is in front of you. You can die an instant, but would you be happy with the life you have created for yourself? The courses I have taken were not easy. But who said that life was easy? We have to deal with that professor, who is sarcastic, the students who think that everything someone else says is funny and the load of work that we need to do to pass the class. We have those moments where, we say, “I’m a broke college student,” when we do not have money for food or things we need. But I wanted to involve myself with the John Jay community, so I went and volunteered for community service and currently for this Zine. I took the steps, and got the motivation. I even changed my major to Anthropology. To put it bluntly, College is not a Wonderland. But there’s exciting stuff out there if we look. by Leslie RomanHave you ever felt like you’re getting old? Is your creativity less than how it once was? Do you still laugh when you see someone fall? Or do you accept the behavior of teens today? There are many questions we need to ask ourselves as we get older. My friends, I hate to break it to you but we have flown out of Neverland. It is time to realize the harsh and undeniable reality of “Growing Up”. I remember the times when I use to cry for silly things that people tried to tell me not to worry about. It was simple things like not having a lot of friends, not being able to dye my hair or have that bar piercing like other girls, or even to have the same clothes--better yet the same brand --everyone was wearing. Not being able to go the “big party” that everyone at school was going to. These moments in my life, or even in your life, are no longer necessary to be or become who you are. As we have gotten older, we have to realize that those things were a waste of time. Our younger selves spent time on things that should not have mattered, but because we were pre-teens and adolescents we focused more on our images and on how we wanted to appear in front of others. [Now, I can’t believe it.] We were so quick to judge someone without even knowing them, and believed everything anyone would say about them. This one thing would never change, even though we tried to. Nevertheless, who can forget that one group of people who were “cool”, Facebook-famous, or how AIM and Myspace was the trend back then. You wished to be in the clique, or even tried to be in it. It gave a sense of power, a sense of unity, and a sense of respect. To have your own posse was to get many people to know who you were, where you came from, and to understand that you couldn’t be bullied by anyone else. Sometimes it came to the point that, during these moments of childhood, a friend would leave their dearest friend[s] to become someone they were not. I know from personal experience that it hurts to see someone you cared so deeply about, shared secrets no one knew, and had a bunch of laughs with, go and leave you just to become one of them. Now as we become older, and turn into adults, we realize we have been so naïve. With this new mentality, we can actually laugh about it. But there are those whose laughter hides the real pain that may still be within their hearts. Just because someone gets older and “wiser”, does not mean they forget the past. Yes, we have learned the typical ideas--to forgive is to forget, to forgive but not to forget, and how a grudge can affect a person. However, even as we get older, there is still forgiveness to be accomplished. It is not easy. There are places, objects, people and words that trigger memories of a time that life was not so great. As we have gotten older, we realize that life goes on and if you hold onto something that is “petty”, the only one who still holds onto it is you. Ninety percent of us remember only the bad events in our lives, not the good ones. Along with creativity, it is frustrating to realize that you are running out of ideas. The other day I was remembering how I had so many ideas for nail art. This was a hobby of mine. I like all sorts of colors, so I was experimenting with which color goes with what; the designs I had envisioned were put into practice; I even had the necessary tools like the dotting tool, acrylic liquid and powder. The point is that I was very creative at that point in my life. However, now I am college student, this hobby of mind ceases to exist. Nevertheless, I am rejecting that thought that my creativity is lessening. I should not accept this reality, and neither should you. This tortures my mind because I guess I do not want to lose that piece of my life that makes up who I am. Nonetheless, I believe that my generation and this generation are completely different. The image, appearance, friendships, and relationships are always going to be factors of the stage of adolescents. I see the way teenagers now get on buses and trains, cursing, making a lot noise. This is usual. One can automatically assume that they are probably in their first year of high school, or sophomores. When I look at them now, I get annoyed, and frustrated. Why is that? We use to be their age, and have conversations on the trains or buses, and be loud. (Well, at least I was not loud or cursing.) Yet I know deep down I crave to be like them again. I guess their presence, and energy, and youthfulness is the luxury I get to encounter. In the back of my mind, I wish I were 15 again. The years have gone by quick, and we think to ourselves that we feel as though we graduated from high school not so long ago. With this new mentality of getting older, we have to realize that we can no longer be taken care of like before. Our mothers will not be giving us breakfast when we wake up, doing our beds, buying our clothes, or even paying the rent. Our fathers will not be the only men in our lives because we might get married. Our brothers and sisters can take care of us but we must hold up our own ends. Everybody says now, “You can take care of yourself” and we agree—even if it’s painful. To grow up is to realize childish things and know your mistakes, to not judge someone too quickly, to learn how to forgive. And yes, we must still admire youthfulness even as we leave it. |
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