by Giselle RamirezWho am I? I am Uncertainty. I have Giselle to thank for her fear towards the future that allows me to live in such leisure. It’s adorable the way she tries to sit me down and talk with me about the plans I have for this relationship. Instead, I laugh and assure her, "You worry too much."
Of course, she is right. There are deadlines and qualifications that must be met. Choosing a career is not as easy as it was back in kindergarten. There's no chef or firefighter hat that you can put on when you are older and-BOOM! You must have a stable form of income and rent to pay. There are so many paths that she can take and according to her, I am no help when it comes to helping her decide. Unfortunately, our relationship is not the best these days. I personally think it is the stress towards the many unanswered questions she has for me. There are days where my jokes and my trip-ups make her smile, while simultaneously there are days where things become too blurry in the distance and she needs a steady path I cannot provide for her. I guess you can say, we are simply at different speeds. I want Giselle to leap before she looks, but she does not trust herself enough to land on her feet. Or maybe, she just does not trust me. That’s my fear. I care about her, which definitely is not a joke. I want only the best for her but her mind is so clouded by her own fear of failure that she forgets how much she has already accomplished. She graduates in a year and according to her, there’s not enough time. There are still so many questions that have no answers and she’s running out of time. But here’s the thing. She’s not! She has all the time in the world and it should not matter at what speed the clock is running. Who is she trying to beat? Herself? She thinks my reluctance to look forward comes from not caring enough about our future, but that's not true. I refuse to look forward because I’m too busy looking at her in the moment. I want to watch her grow and experience her in the present. That is why I will hold her hand through every burst of tears, every smile, and every mistake because I care and I want her to worry. I don’t care how much she hates me, she needs me in her life. Without me, she wouldn’t meet the deadlines or the expectations because if she weren’t scared of anything then there would be no point to reaching her end goal. The anxiety I provide will prepare her for the challenges that lie even further than she can imagine at the moment. I know I laugh and I joke, but trust me I hurt too. One day, she will wake up and everything will be stable enough to the point where I will only be someone from her past. She will only remember me when she feels unsteady about small things like whether her children are eating enough vegetables or if those shoes actually go with that dress. But I guess a bit, is better than nothing. I won’t get too sappy because I know that once she leaps on her own, she’ll be undeniably happy and that’s all I can ever hope for.
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